The Worst Song In March

Who the f are the Pussycat Dolls?

Ok. I know who they are, but why the f should I care? I know they're kind of a burlesque dance troupe who have their own show at Caesar's Palace, and once boasted Carmen Electra as a fan. Does this qualify them as a pop group? Furthermore, are the members of the group also part of the dance troupe? or is this something they're looking to franchise? It all wreaks of capitalism to me. Are they the Spice Girls in disguise? And what's really been bothering me - it looks as if they have five or six (maybe seven) members, but how come only one of them sings?

The Pussycat Dolls have already released two singles that were almost worthy of a mention in this column. In March, however, they stepped it up a notch - with a little help. It takes real skill to have your song stand out as the worst and to achieve this distinction, they would have to call on a true awful song master - Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas.

Once I saw Will.I.Am in the video, I knew I'd found my worst song for March. Knowing that rhyming two different words together is not Will.I.Am's strongsuit, the Dolls gave him a chorus that does not require it. "It's funny how a man only thinks about the (beeping noise)," he half-raps. I should mention that the beeping noise is not any censorship on my part, but actually part of the song, called "Beep." He continues, "You got a real big heart, but I'm looking at your (beep)/ You got real big brains, but I'm looking at your (beep)/ Girl, there ain't no pain in me looking at your (beep)." Now, this use of the beep edit is bad rip-off of Missy Elliot's "Work It" - which was awesome, as well as way more clever in how it kept itself clean, while implying something explicit.

Once Will.I.Am has done his part, the only Doll who actually sings comes in, and for a second I thought she was going to go, "So, tell me/what you want/what you really, really want." She didn't, instead half-rapping, "I don't give a (beep)/ Keep looking at my (beep)/ 'Cause it don't mean a thing if you're looking at my (beep)/ I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your (beep)/ Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha." Now, I could complain about how this continues the gawker/ stalker trend of songs sung by women (that started with "My Humps") marketed to young girls, with the explicit message that the only thing worth striving for is a physical appearance which invites sexual harrassment. But, I'll let that one be - as something else is bothering me.

I cannot figure out for the life of me, where they are supposed to be. I assumed they were at a club, and Will.I.Am saw this girl, and was checking out her (beep). She noticed and was, like, "cool, keep checking out my (beep)." But then he started to play with his (beep). Now, there are few things a guy can "play with" that need to be "beeped" - in fact I can think of one. And, I don't think you can play with it at a club.



::Previous 2006 Worst Songs::
1 January ("Wings of a Butterfly," H.I.M.)
2 February ("Unpredictable," Jaime Foxx)